By Latoya Bembry

After suffering through a torturous week long wait after viewing the heart-wrenching brilliance that was Butch and Sundance, U-Boat serves up yet another action-packed episode chronicling our favorite L.A. patrol officers and detectives. While I had initially crowned last week’s episode the season’s best, I had to quickly retract that statement and bestow the top honor on to this week’s offering.

Anchored by two main story arcs, this week’s show follows rookie Officer Ben Sherman’s transition from boy to man and Det. Lydia Adams’ difficulties in learning to let go. In true “SouthLAnd Style,” the episode kicks off with some form of explosive, pulse-racing, on-the-edge-my-seat action, this time a panic-stricken Sherman rushing up the steps of a home, trying frantically to enter while someone is being viciously attacked inside. Our oh-so-favorite narrator promptly drones “Sooner or later, every police officer learns that you can’t save everyone”…excuse me while I fight to contain my eye-rolling. Seriously, couldn’t they have found someone else to do the narration voice-over, I don’t know, someone who doesn’t sound like he’s just risen from the dead?

I digress. After Chickie finds herself assigned to the “kid room,” which apparently for a patrol cop is the equivalent of being put out to pasture, she confronts Cooper about the perceived unfair treatment by their fellow officers for reporting Dewey’s alcoholism when essentially, she was merely acting on Cooper’s orders. After a talk with the boss Cooper partners up with Chickie for the day, leaving Sherman to patrol the mean streets of L.A. solo for the first time. After some fatherly advice from Papa Cooper (“Remember your training. Hands….watch the hands”), Sherman eagerly heads out for, unbeknownst to him, the proverbial day from hell.

It’s not surprising that, given the character’s history of family abuse, the writers relied on children and women to frame Sherman’s emotional day on the job. His first encounter involves a father who forces his son to mow the lawn donned in only lingerie, punishment for allowing the neighborhood bullies to steal his shoes and throw them over a power line (I still, to this day, do not know how people manage to do that…what, you just keep throwing the shoes until eventually they catch?). As Sherman confronts the father who, not only defends his right to humiliate his son, is a lead candidate for All-Around Asshole of the Year. You not only see, but physically feel Sherman’s frustration and helplessness as he is forced to retreat from the situation as technically, no crime was committed.

Sherman is then asked to assist in finding a missing nine-year old girl who is believed to suffer from Asperger’s Syndrome and who was last seen wandering from a bus stop (yes, I realize I’m out of sequence, bear with me). After conducting the initial interviews of the parents, teacher and students, I thought the writers were going to pull a cease and desist a la “Butch and Sundance” and send Sherman off on other calls without him seeing the case to its resolution. Fortunately, Sherman is called back to the case and after a little good ol’ fashioned police detectin’, successfully finds the little girl and returns her safely to her parents.

Meanwhile in the other patrol car, Cooper abruptly puts a stop to Chickie’s whining, er, venting over her woeful situation, and informs her, in typical Cooper fashion of course, that she sucks ass and her days of hiding behind Dewey are over. Admittedly, my skin started to prickle at Cooper’s harsh tongue lashing and Chickie’s failure to defend herself and her competence as a police officer, but as the episode rolled on I was forced to agree with his assessment, shaking my head mournfully, wishing she would just get a grip already. Cooper spends the day giving Chickie a refresher course on what I would assume are basic police tactics, and in true SouthLAnd fashion, they encounter some colorful characters along the way. While we weren’t treated to the best of Cooper’s Hits, we did receive some fantastic material nonetheless including “Dude didn’t beckon you;” “If you weren’t so far up their ass, you would have seen that;” and my personal favorite, Cooper’s aggressive crotch grab of a suspect. To the untrained eye it may have appeared aggressive and invasive, but I‘m sure it is proper police procedure (hell, I would gladly pay a handsome sum to be manhandled by Cooper in such a way). I will say I winced painfully when Chickie failed to recover the suspect’s second gun from his ankle holster, my mind flashing back to the pilot episode which showed the dangers of half-ass body searches distinctively. Talk about an EPIC FAIL.

Sherman’s main incident involves a woman named Stella, otherwise known as Attractive Female Victim, who claims her ex-boyfriend/boss is stalking her. After taking the report, a little flirting ensues between Attractive Female Victim and Sherman, mostly stemming from her (seriously, who can blame her? I would commit a crime if it would guarantee a visit from Officer McHottie). Attractive Female Victim then continues to contact Sherman with increasing concerns over her ex’s erratic behavior, which prompts him to pay a visit to the man’s restaurant for a little Intimidation Tactics 101. After confronting the man, who claims Attractive Female Victim is actually stalking him, one starts to wonder…perhaps the lady doth protest too much? Admit it, I’m not the only who thought there was a chance Attractive Female Victim might have been laying it on a little thick to receive some attention from Officer McFineAsHell and this would be yet another one of SouthLAnd’s surprising twists, but unfortunately I was dead wrong. After receiving a frantic phone call from Attractive Female Victim that her ex was outside of the house, we cut to the opening sequence that has Sherman breaking his way into the home…and yes the ex-boyfriend is there and yes, he has done a number on the poor woman. Sherman proceeds to literally beat the shit out of the scumbag and has to be restrained from inflicting further damage (and how incredibly HOT and SEXY is Violent Sherman? Woo, I needed a cigarette after that one and I‘ve never smoked a day in my life…don‘t judge me). One question…did Attractive Female Victim end up dying? I want to say that she did, but honestly I don’t think that was made clear.

I am starting to really look forward to the “police parking lot” scenes between Cooper and Sherman…it’s like the confessional booth for the two partners. Shaken by his experiences and loss of control with the stalker (murderer?), Sherman confesses to Cooper that he doesn’t “know where the lines are.” This prompts Cooper to deliver one of the best lines of the series: “You’ve got a lot of power out there. If you can’t get control of it, you shouldn’t be here. Everyone thinks when they get out of the Academy it’s all black and white, but you know what? It isn’t. We live in the gray. We live there. Now you know what you’re capable of.”

Remember those troublesome $100 sneakers? Yeah, Sherman remembered them too, a constant reminder throughout the episode of his failure to save the young kid from his situation. In an exceptionally touching scene that had my throat tightening and my eyes feeling with moisture, Cooper meets Sherman outside the boy’s house and shares a heartbreaking story of trying to perform CPR on an infant, but failing to save her life. Even though he still dreams about the baby, he understands that “you can’t save everyone.” The scene and the episode ends with the fire department, as a favor to Cooper, rescuing the sneakers from the power lines.

I will veer off track for a moment to profess my undying love for Officer John Cooper. One minute he is an obnoxious prick, the next a wordly philosopher, and the next a vulnerable, sensitive and supportive friend. I feel like his character is the core of the show and Michael Cudlitz the best actor, showcasing Ann Biderman’s talent in creating complex, multilevel characters and finding the proper people to portray them.

Switching to Lydia, it certainly appears as though our fearless heroine is suffering from some post traumatic-like symptoms. Her story kicks off in the middle of a nightmare, a surprising recap of Lydia’s famous gunfight at the O.K. Corral, one of SouthLAnd’s iconic scenes. Only in this version, instead of an outlaw gangbanger reaping the fury of Lydia’s shotgun…it’s none other than her partner Det. Russell Clark (might I add how realistic that gunshot wound looked? I’ve never seen an actual gunshot wound in real life mind you, but if I had, I’m positive that is exactly what it would look like). Back in the office, Lydia’s new partner, Det. Rene Cordello, receives some hazing from an unknown source (Ricky Martin? It can‘t get any worse than that… oh wait yes it can, that’s Sarah Palin) and Lydia is scolded for her lack of support to little Jimmy and his mother Brianna, whose storyline we followed in Season 1. I absolutely love it when a show delivers an update on an earlier storyline, giving dedicated viewers a nice little nugget to chew on. After informing Rene of Brianna’s situation, Lydia places a call to Russell who is currently still in recovery. As Lydia and Rene work through the day’s calls (including a crib shopping trip in which the salesperson amusingly assumes Lydia is pregnant and married to Rene, and a “Jackass”-inspired stunt gone horribly wrong, taking the life of a teenage boy), Lydia’s insistence on phoning Russell after every single call increases Rene’s irritation, not to mention my own. After rudely dismissing a warning from Rene to bypass a visit to the hospital, Lydia awkwardly walks in on an argument between Russell and his wife. If nothing, this scene reminds me of how incredibly disinterested I am in Russell’s marital problems and how incredibly annoying I find his wife. After receiving a harsh rebuke from Russell, Lydia later apologizes to Rene and agrees to have a drink with him, all the while dubbing him “Hollywood” and copping to the hazing.

Ahem…it must be said. My co-worker Krista made a comment after last week’s episode that she believes Lydia’s…“devotion” to her partner runs much deeper than what can be innocently deemed professional. Of course, I quickly pooh-poohed this idea because the actress herself has denied this… however, it can be said that Lydia’s behavior this week may tell a tale of a woman who may have feelings for her partner. For example, in one scene Lydia proclaims that she “loves“ Russell and wishes only to “hear his voice.” I’m not saying she does have feelings for Russell, but I don’t think it would stretch the imagination too much to think otherwise …and I have a sneaky suspicion that subtext was deliberately included by the writers to keep us all madly guessing…again I‘m just sayin’.

Another week, another fantastic episode of SouthLAnd, further deepening this baffling mystery as to why anyone should have to fight to keep a show as incredible as this on the air. Rarely will you find a show that continues to top itself after each episode, like an overachiever always searching for ways to out-do himself. It’s too soon to say how much longer this SouthLAnd journey will be, but I’m enjoying the ride along the way.